Safety Tips: Both for On-Line and Off Line (Real Life)
meeting and playing...

While the Internet provides infinite opportunities for people to meet each other and to indulge in BDSM fantasies, you must remember to use caution and common sense. Like the offline world, the online world has its good people and bad people. While the majority of people can be trusted, we must all be aware of scammers, liars, and the rare but present predators. While there are risks, hiding from the world is not the answer. Here are several tips to protect yourself:

Online Safety in General...

1) Never, ever give out personal information. Personal information includes your real name, telephone number, personal email or address. If they want to send something to you through the mail, get a post office box; they're not expensive. No matter how nice the other person may seem, you do not know them. Don't risk having this information fall into the wrong hands.

2) On the telephone?
• Activate your caller ID blocking feature to keep your number private.
• Don't call collect! Your number will show up on their phone bill.
• If you want the other person to be able to contact you, get a pager.
• Use a payphone. It may be a hassle, but well worth it.

3) Location is everything. Even if you haven't given the other person your name, phone number or any other personal information, if you tell them all about living in Anytown, USA with a population of only 1,102, someone who really wanted to could probably find you. On the other hand, saying you live in New York is probably a pretty safe bet. Think before you type or speak!

4) Get a current picture. Use a current picture. This is more of an honesty issue than a safety issue. If the other person's picture seems to be outdated, and they refuse to update it, you must put them in the "dishonest" pile. Even if you do not have a scanner, there's a variety of cheap and easy ways to get a photo scanned. There's no reason for someone to lie, unless they're hiding something. Don't put up with their dishonesty.

Communication and Red Flags...

1) Get the details. Feel free to scrutinize the emails and chat sessions you have with another person. If they seem too good to be true, they probably are. If they're vague about their life, try to get some non-intrusive details. Red flags are people who are vague, talk in circles, or answer questions with questions. Be very cautious with these types of people. They may be playing hard to get, or they may not be someone you should continue communicating with.

2) Are they hiding something? If the other person can only meet and chat with you in the middle of the night, they may have a secret. If you call them and they talk in a hushed voice or "have to go" all of a sudden, they may not be as single as they claim. If you call at a non-designated time and they get angry, feel free to assume that they're hiding something from you. Red flags are fancy footwork, excuses, or evasive maneuvers. If they cannot be honest with you from the get-go, don't count on them to ever be straightforward. Because trust is so integral to BDSM play - this is a key indicator that the other person is not worthy of being your partner.

3) Don't put off meeting in person. Online relationships can be full of intrigue. But if your ultimate goal is to find a casual or serious BDSM partner, why put it off? Why invest in a relationship online if it's going nowhere offline? Make sure the spark you get from your chat sessions and email also exists in the "real world". Red flags are anyone who puts it off or avoids answering your questions about meeting. Remember, if you do not have the money to invest in a long distance relationship, don't start one. Online dating requires that your brain and your heart work together to make the best and safest decisions for you.

Going Offline for a Meeting...Safety First

1) Whether you're looking for a BDSM partner, love interest or both, it's always a good idea to meet and get to know each other first. Don't head straight to the dungeon for your first meeting.

2) Once you've agreed to meet face to face, don't ask the other person to pick you up. Get yourself to and from the date, even if you have to beg a ride off of a friend or take a taxi.

3) Before you go, make sure that several friends and family members know where you're going, who you're going with and when to expect you back. Make sure everyone writes down the information so that there are no misunderstandings.

4) Always meet in a public place. A public place does not mean a parking lot; they are not monitored closely enough to be considered safe. Make your first meeting a lunch or coffee date. If the sparks don't fly, it's much easier to say that you have a meeting or some other commitment that requires you to end the date prematurely.

5) Stay in a public place. If they pressure you to go elsewhere, say NO. If they pressure you, they obviously don't care about your feelings, and you shouldn't feel obligated to spare theirs. End the meeting and leave. If they start to follow you to where you've parked, stop and hail a cab. Come back later for your car with a friend or family member.

6) If possible, bring a cellular phone. If you need help or feel a little nervous, excuse yourself to the bathroom and call for back up. Put together an instant, "accidental" meeting with a friend. They're also good for emergencies or in case you think your online love is an offline stalker who's following you home. Use the cellular phone to call the police; just don't head back home. Keep the person far from there. Drive to a police station if you feel it's necessary.

7) Never leave your personal belongings unattended. A purse or wallet contains all your personal information. In your jacket pocket could be your keys. Just don't take the risk.

8) Do not leave your beverage unattended. If you do, nonchalantly ask for another drink.

9) Drink only in moderation, if at all. Being drunk compromises your judgment.

10) If all goes well, set up another date before the first one comes to an end. Use your best judgement and gut instincts to determine whether or not the other person worthy of a second date. Be sure that this second date (and any others thereafter) incorporates all of these safety tips. You're worth the effort! If the other person truly cares about you, they'd expect nothing less.

A Thousand Miles from Home...Extra Tips for Meeting a Long Distance Interest

Be sure to use all of the tips mentioned above, plus the following tips if you plan to travel to meet your online interest:

1) The people you meet in these situations expect their privacy to be respected. Do not assume people are public about their lifestyle; you must never "out" the people you encounter.

2) DO NOT plan to stay at the other person's home for your visit. If you cannot afford a hotel, do not go.

3) If you've made hotel reservations, do not tell the other person where you're staying. They don't need to contact you there. You can contact them.

4) Let them meet you at the airport, but do not get in a car with them. They can help you with your baggage and help you hail a cab. Use cabs as your mode of transportation throughout your trip.

5) Be sure to keep in touch with friends and family. Have a schedule in place as to when you should call. And make sure they know where you're staying and how to reach you.

6) Just in case...keep your valuables in an in-room safe or with the front desk - they often have safety deposit boxes available for free or a minimal charge.

7) When you leave, just to be sure, meet them at the airport to say goodbye.

1) Enjoy playing in your fantasy, but remember the difference between fantasy and reality.

2) Always negotiate. Only play with someone if you feel comfortable telling that partner what you want, and what you don't. If you have difficulty negotiating a scene, ask a friend for help.

3) Share equal responsibility. Doms are not the ones who should shoulder 100% of the responsibilities. Even if you are a sub, you must not withhold information or feelings, especially when it comes to your safety. Inequality in your role and share of power do not cancel out your responsibility for your own personal safety

4) Always have a safeword. If you use gags during play, use a bell or other means of nonverbal communication in place of a safeword. Common safewords include "Yellow" to communicate genuinely unpleasant discomfort, ask for a pause, or to tell the top something outside the context of playing - And "Red" to communicate, "Let me out now or I'm calling the cops."
5) Kink is a smorgasboard. You've got all the time in the world and there's a huge amount to experience; take it slow and experiment. If you fantasize about taking 50 lashes from a bullwhip, realize that you might have to work up to it: five lashes may be more than enough for you.

6) Do not play while intoxicated on drugs or alcohol. You're engaging in some very precise activities, and you need to retain control for safety.

7) Always talk about safer sex with your partners.

8) Do disclose any physical limitations or medical conditions that you might have.

9) You will learn the most from your personal experiences. Always trust your gut instinct.

Page Updated 12/07